Night Weaning Thoughts: Part 1
It’s rather comical, sometimes- the difference between our children. We might have the knowledge in our brain to remind us that even though they may have been born of the same parents, raised in the same home, eat the same food and drink the same (bath) water… but sometimes our hearts and mental energy forget that they are very obviously their own individuals.
This comes roaring to the surface at certain times and for me- one of these areas has been weaning from the breast at night. My first daughter was 19 months old when I became pregnant with my second, and it was a fairly smooth process to wean at night and soon after that, completely. I knew I didn’t want to tandem nurse and I preferred a break of sorts in between breastfeeding kids. Also, it got uncomfortable once the first trimester was underway. Sometimes looking back in life and parenting you find yourself wondering if you are remembering things accurately… maybe this is just me? Like a autobiographical gaslighting of sorts? Several times I’ve asked my husband- “This feels harder than it did with first daughter, right?!”
My second daughter has a tenacity to her that reminds me of myself (ha) and I absolutely love that about her. It also challenges us as parents to hold loving boundaries in the face of high emotion and dysregulation from her. Weaning can be a really emotional time for both toddlers and parents. Any time we look to change a routine or a ritual it can be challenging, but none more so in my experience than breastfeeding. Those night nursing sessions have been all we’ve ever known… the panacea for every tummy ache, chill in the air, lonely feeling or desire for reconnection. Night nursing (as is intended!) buoyed our nursing journey by driving my supply during the day, especially those prolactin-laden, bleary-eyed early morning nursing sessions snuggled in bed together. Placing myself in a position of empathy with my child, as usual, changes the game for me. I can work together with her to make this a peaceful transition WHILE understanding my own body’s signals that are telling me it’s time to make a gentle change. The cold-turkey approach isn’t for our family at this time, but let me share a couple key things that have improved and been a big change so far:
Communication
Every child’s development timeline is different, but right about the time we started wanting to cut down on night nursing sessions, our second daughter’s language just started exploding. We have always practiced communication in that we have talked constantly to our kids even when they couldn’t converse back- but this came in really handy that we started to be able to have some feedback loops. Our daughter would wake up, ask for mee-moo (her word for nursing) and I started to put some boundaries around it in words- “Mommy is going to get up, use the bathroom and then come back and you can have mee-moo.” Or I would say, “Mommy is feeling really tired, and we already did mee-moo. Daddy can walk you now instead.” Or, “Mommy’s boobs are done with mee-moo. Would you like cow's milk instead?” Sometimes she would cry and fight it and then we practiced holding space for her and being there for her while she experienced her emotional response. Occasionally she would fall back asleep but most of the time she would eventually want Daddy snuggles or some cow’s milk. Or sometimes she would immediately say yes, she wanted Daddy or cow’s milk. Either way, it was helpful to be able to communicate in words and know she understood us.
Duration
This comes right along with communication because I have practiced setting a duration boundary with her in words, and she understands it. She will wake up and ask for mee-moo. I will say, “Mommy is very tired. I am willing to do mee-moo for 1 minute (I used to say 1-2 minutes). After that, I will be all done, and you can snuggle mommy but we will be all done with mee-moo.” She does really well with this. I will unlatch her when I’m feeling done, and she will roll over and go to sleep. It’s crazy because if I forget to say my little speech about 1 minute, it’s a lot harder to settle her and she will ask for more mee-moo. It helps me a lot because even though she’s still nursing some, I feel liberated in that I can unlatch her when I feel done and she typically is ok with that, and I can roll over and fall asleep too. It also just feels like a really reasonable boundary to have at this age that supports both of us.
And that’s what I think it boils down to ultimately. Everyone’s journey is going to look way different. The important thing is that you are listening to your baby and listening to yourself and putting those needs together in a way that supports your attachment and relationships. It doesn’t mean that you can’t let your baby cry or that you can’t set boundaries, far from it- in fact, the opposite is true. Boundaries are so important, but they need to be lovingly set with no loss of connection AND age-appropriate.
I’ll do another post when I have more to report on the night weaning front. Sending sleepy vibes!
